Tuesday, January 24, 2017

The place I belong

Update: I deleted part of my last blog post so this one will make less sense because it references lines that aren't there anymore.

In the middle of the night, I wrote the craziest blog post and the unfortunate outcome of the post is that it was full of lies. So I am writing again to apologise for the lies I told you.

I lied about not feeling like I belong at my church or my CC Community. Is that an emotion I sometimes feel? Sure..Don't we all waiver in our thoughts on how we feel about people, places or things.  But my outpouring of my 4 am thoughts was not my heart on how I feel about my church or my CC.

I have three families: my real family, my Grace Community and my CC family. And these people are my best friends and I want to grow old  with them. So why didnt feel like I didn't belong? Because I have been intentionally pulling away. I have been pulling away from my church family because I have been pulling away from God and if I get too close to my sisters and brothers in Christ who love me so much, then maybe they will see right through me and find this out about me. But there..the truth's out. And I have been pulling away from my CC Kennesaw group because leaving is the hardest decision I have ever made. And my blog post said crazy things about it getting too big and they have not included me and those were flat out lies. The amazing group of sister friends I have here have always has included me and have always loved me and have always cared about me and that's not going to change even when I leave. I might not see them every Tuesday but they will always have a place in my heart and the last four years  have been amazing and I wouldn't trade them for anything in the world.

I have a void in my life right now. And it's not a feeling of not belonging with my amazing friends. It's a void of not being right with God and not being right with God leaves room for Satan to come in (especially in the dark of night) and make things seem not how they are and fill my head with lies. And I am sorry you had to see that ugly side of me.

So where do I belong? I belong with my sisters in Christ who love me despite my flaws. I belong with my Christian sisters and brothers who aren't going to condemn for falling away from God but are going to help me through it.

I am thankful today for CC Kennesaw family
 I do belong here and I am not even sure why I am leaving except that sometimes God just calls us to new things and we don't understand why. But I am not leaving because I don't belong. I will always belong and they will always love me. Thanks for doing life with me, y'all.

Many people have asked after my last blog post if I am OK. The answer is yes I'm okay but no, I am not okay either. I clearly have a lot of issues to work through and with the grace of God and His unending patience with me, I think I can plow through them. And yes, I will go on that coffee date with you because I don't want to do this thing called life alone. That's why I have all you peeps for.

Til next time.. love y'all.

Monday, January 23, 2017

Elusive peace.. elusive sleep

Disclaimer:  This post is about the inner turmoil in my brain that I feel about picking between two campuses of my kids school - Classical Conversations.  It's going to be a major stream of consciousness and probably super boring if you not in that world with me. If there was ever a blog post of mine to skip, it would be this one.

I have been up since 4 AM.  I can't sleep when I have angst.  Ever have peace feel like a solid piece of rock only to find out that it is actually as a fragile as a Christmas ornament being dangled over a tile floor by a 3 year old?  So that was the discovery I made right before I went to sleep last night and sleep has been elusive ever since.

Brief history:  My kids and I are part of a homeschool community called Classical Conversation (hereafter referred to as CC).  There are locations all over the country and all over our county since we are a booming suburb.  I live 30 minutes from probably 5 or 6 communities.  For the past 4 years, I have been part of the Kennesaw location and the rest of my CC friends are either part of Marietta or West Cobb.

I have thought about leaving and going over to the Marietta campus at several points. Even when I first joined, I had to pick between Marietta and Kennesaw.  I don't really like choices and angst so it was mostly random that I picked Kennesaw and one of my reasons why which turned out to be a huge irony is that it was smaller.  By August of that year, it was not small and hasn't been small ever since.  CC is not a drop off program so I decided to tutor in the program and it's been a mostly fun sometimes frustrating 3.5 years that I have been a part of it.

Earlier this year, I made the decision to jump ship and take my kids next year to CC Marietta starting next year.  I have my whole Pros/Cons list written out.   It's smaller. My son's 7th grade class is smaller. If I have to list my number reason why I like CCM better it would be that which is scary because that can change soo fast in the CC world.

Last night I told Chris.. Why again am I leaving CCK? I thought it made so much sense. I thought it was the right thing but now all of sudden it doesn't seem to make any sense at all.  Only one of my kids is even somewhat amenable to the other campus.  My youngest burst into tears when I first told him we were leaving and now he is able to hold it together but he is still not happy.  My oldest is in near tears every day when he thinks about leaving.

So I don't know where I was going with this blog post except to say that I don't know where to put my kids in school next year. Chris vetoed the idea of me quitting school altogether. He is less emotional than me and I think he is voting for CCM at this point based on some of the reasons I put forth.  I do think it might be best for my kids.  And I have solidly stood by that decision for the last 20 day until last night where I decided I was crazy and then I decided I wasn't and then I decided I was.  And after this emotional blog post, I have decided that 1) there is no best place for me because I have issues. And my issues are going to follow me everywhere I go  and 2) my idea that writing would get a load off my chest and I could go back to sleep is false and I might as well go get coffee...

Until next time my friends..