Update: I deleted part of my last blog post so this one will make less sense because it references lines that aren't there anymore.
In the middle of the night, I wrote the craziest blog post and the unfortunate outcome of the post is that it was full of lies. So I am writing again to apologise for the lies I told you.
I lied about not feeling like I belong at my church or my CC Community. Is that an emotion I sometimes feel? Sure..Don't we all waiver in our thoughts on how we feel about people, places or things. But my outpouring of my 4 am thoughts was not my heart on how I feel about my church or my CC.
I have three families: my real family, my Grace Community and my CC family. And these people are my best friends and I want to grow old with them. So why didnt feel like I didn't belong? Because I have been intentionally pulling away. I have been pulling away from my church family because I have been pulling away from God and if I get too close to my sisters and brothers in Christ who love me so much, then maybe they will see right through me and find this out about me. But there..the truth's out. And I have been pulling away from my CC Kennesaw group because leaving is the hardest decision I have ever made. And my blog post said crazy things about it getting too big and they have not included me and those were flat out lies. The amazing group of sister friends I have here have always has included me and have always loved me and have always cared about me and that's not going to change even when I leave. I might not see them every Tuesday but they will always have a place in my heart and the last four years have been amazing and I wouldn't trade them for anything in the world.
I have a void in my life right now. And it's not a feeling of not belonging with my amazing friends. It's a void of not being right with God and not being right with God leaves room for Satan to come in (especially in the dark of night) and make things seem not how they are and fill my head with lies. And I am sorry you had to see that ugly side of me.
So where do I belong? I belong with my sisters in Christ who love me despite my flaws. I belong with my Christian sisters and brothers who aren't going to condemn for falling away from God but are going to help me through it.
I am thankful today for CC Kennesaw family
I do belong here and I am not even sure why I am leaving except that sometimes God just calls us to new things and we don't understand why. But I am not leaving because I don't belong. I will always belong and they will always love me. Thanks for doing life with me, y'all.
Many people have asked after my last blog post if I am OK. The answer is yes I'm okay but no, I am not okay either. I clearly have a lot of issues to work through and with the grace of God and His unending patience with me, I think I can plow through them. And yes, I will go on that coffee date with you because I don't want to do this thing called life alone. That's why I have all you peeps for.
Til next time.. love y'all.