To new beginnings - my weight loss journey

Today is my last day of being the age 42. Tomorrow I am 43.  There really isn't a difference between 42 and 43.  But every year at this time, the clock turns over to a new year. I am a new age.  And what do I have to show for it?  Well usually not much.  And usually definitely not much in the term of weight loss. Age 43 is the year that we turn that baby around.  I actually started at age 42. 

December 2019 - I go for my annual with my OB.  My OB is this brutally honest sweet Jewish lady that will tell you how it is.  And she did.  And the gist of her message to me was.. sometimes people just can't lose weight. Give yourself 6 months to a year and if you can't lose weight, I have a weight loss surgeon that I can recommend to you. But you are approaching morbidly obese and you need to change that or you will start having major health problems. Wide-eyed with a HECK NO attitude about surgery (not that there is anything wrong with it..it's just not for me),  I started exercise. I started eating right. Calories in Calories out.. It worked for me. 

Looking at the below photos (taken in December 2019) are hard.  And sharing them is hard.  I don't know why because most people see me like this all the time.  But I don't.. Not looking in the mirror.. not looking at photos.. it's almost easy to forget sometimes just how obese I am. That's right.. I am obese.  And its AWFUL. And I am unhealthy. And I hate the way I look. And I hate the mirror. 

But you know what I love.. changing that.  I took a break for Covid season..maintained my weight but didn't lose any and now I am back at it. Ready to exercise and ready to drop the pounds.  Putting in the time. Putting in the discipline. Getting it done.  

I have lost 15 lbs since the below pictures were taken. Not really enough for any sort of progress photos or to see much of a difference except I am wearing shorts that I didn't wear last summer so I guess that's something.  But I don't care.  I don't need scale victories every week. I don't need non scale victories.  The weight will come off.  Maybe not every week. But it's coming off.  Patience is my friend. This is gonna take years.  But if years is what it takes. I am ready and I am taking you with me.  Every once in awhile you will see me post about my progress. 

Here is a recent June 2020 picture.  Again, you can't really see 15 lbs difference but I still wanted to throw this picture in there as a progress photo.  One of the things that I desire but I don't know if I will get out of weight loss is I WANT MY EYES BACK.  I have seen face editions of before and after photos and in the after pictures, their eyes are much more open.  This is a petty thing and maybe I will always have squinty eyes  but a girl can hope right? :)   

Also look at my handsome husband.. he is almost at goal weight. He started exercising with me before Covid and even continued during Covid (me not so much).  I am super proud of his progress.  

Calories In Calories Out using My Fitness Pal worked for me but now I am mixing it up a little and trying out the Trim Healthy Mama program.   Besides general overall health goals, I am also hoping to get off ALL meds that I am currently on for high cholesterol and pre-diabetes.  

See you in 3 months blog followers!  

Why do you homeschool when you hate it?

Why do you homeschool when you hate it?   I get this question A LOT.  And while I don't feel the need to explain myself to the world, I thought I would anyway.

I homeschool my kids because I think it is the best thing for my kids.  Think about the most annoying thing in your child's childhood.  Recently my friends talked about how they hated bath time.  But you did it anyway because your kids needed to be clean.  And obviously there was no other choice.  But here I am with another choice.. a very valid choice but I don't choose it. I don't want to choose it even though many days I wish I could choose it.  But deep down, I know that it's not what's best for my children.  My children need to be home with me because I am the one that is going to be the best one to monitor their special needs, their social issues, and their mental health. Will they have to go out one day either to college or the work force and navigate these issues on their own?  Absolutely!  But there is a big difference between an 18 year old having to do this and an 11 year old.  So here we are.. doing this thing.  And if you are wondering if I am doing a good job while I hate it?  Yes.. just like some people go to work and do things that they hate. I go to work and do this thing and I am good at it.

So why do you hate it so much?  Don't you want to be home with your kids?  I love my kids. I don't love the STRUGGLE.   If there was ever a time that the #struggleisreal  was true, it is for every homeschool parent.  I am burned out. I am tired of trying to get my kids to just sit down and do their work. I am tired of putting them on restriction for not doing their work. I am just tired.  But here's what I also know.. parents that put their kids in school.. just as tired. School has its own set of struggles and I try to remember that.

Changes for the Craigs. We are pursuing other high school opportunities for Andrew next year.  I would say that we have all enjoyed our time at Classical Conversations but we are looking for something new.   I want a program where I don't have to grade things and where I am not really the main teacher.  Andrew has expressed a desire to go to a school that is more lecture based and less self teaching at home.  I admire those that continue on with CC through the high school years. It is not for the faint of heart.  I don't know where Andrew will land but we are looking forward to visiting some places and praying for God's will in this area.

What to do with the little ones?  More struggle..  Peter has been doing 6th grade work at home but it's in his best interest to not go into the 7th grade class next year at CC.   So that leaves us in a limbo on what to do regarding a co-op.  To continue with CC or to not.  I think we will in some capacity but I don't know if we will do both Foundations and Essentials. Yet to be seen but I am sure it will all work out.

So there is my January homeschool in a nutshell.. Now back to yelling...err I mean schooling.. my kids!

Grace Kids Club - The hands and feet

Our church started a new program this year on Wednesday night. It is called Grace Kids Club. We have never had a Wednesday night program before so this is a BIG thing for us.   It is not only to serve the children in our own church but it is also an amazing outreach program as we bring other children in from around on our community with buses and vans.

My first reaction... hesitancy.. I already had a Wednesday night program. I went to Awanas at Sewell Mill Baptist.  But I also felt like the Lord was calling me to be part of this ministry.  Easy way.. hard way.. I didn't know what to do.  In the end, my other friends decided to stay with Awanas so I took the easy route and decided to stay with them too. But the Lord had other plans!!   That Awana program moved to Sunday nights no longer making it an option. Okay Lord.. well that makes things loud and clear now doesn't it?

Next I went to an info meeting and our family minister has a heart for letting people serve where their gifts and passions are. So I signed up to be the volunteer coordinator. Yea for emails and spreadsheets. I can so do this!!

Week after week, we looked for volunteers.  I sent out dozens of emails and got many responses.  But we were still short for volunteers for adults to be small group leaders.  When you have a church of only 300 people, it can be hard to find 20 volunteers that will commit to every week especially since this is a new program, many people already have weekly commitments that prevent them from committing to this one.. I get it.. I do.

**You could be a small group leader**    Me, Lord?  Okay surely this is not coming from the Lord because I don't think I could do that.  I have low self confidence and anxiety issues and I have friends and family members that definitely would agree with me that this is not my strong suit.

Conversation with Donna.. "I will be a small group leader if you want me to"  (Boy doesn't that sound like I am super excited?!)   And Donna tells me "I think you would be a great small group leader"   To have someone believe in me like that (besides my husband) was amazing.  Someone who believes that (with the Lord's strength of course), I can overcome my anxiety and low self confidence and I *CAN* be the small group leader that God wants me to be.

Because here is the thing and here is why I am so excited about Grace Kids Club and the start of September 13th and all that it holds.  Grace Kids Club is not *another* thing that I do each week.  It is one of the most IMPORTANT things I do each week.  The Lord calls us to shine our light in the darkness and to be frank, I mostly just hang out with a bunch of other light bulbs all week.  Grace Kids Club is my chance to SHINE.  To SHINE my light of Jesus to children each week that need to hear about Jesus.   We see some of these kids only once a year at camp and now we have the AMAZING opportunity to invest in their lives each week.  Thank you LORD.. thank you for this opportunity. How could I possibly say no to it? I am so thankful that everything fell into place to where I didn't say no and now I get to be a part of this new ministry and a part of these children's lives. Every Wednesday.  Every Week.. Here I am Lord. I am Your hands and feet.

It's Time to Get My Sparkle On!

So yesterday I joined a weight loss program.   It's called Sparkle A New You Wellness Coaching. And I don't really know much about it but I really like Jacynta Harb and I am going to be successful. And this is my best shot at being successful.

I already feel more determined this time (in random stream of consciousness order)

1. I am admitting that I am going on a weight loss program to the 26.2 people that read my blog. I am a prideful person so I am much less likely to be seen stuffing my face with pastries at church if I know that someone knows that I am trying to lose weight.  And how embarrassing would it be to quit mid way. But clearly embarrassment alone is not going to get me to my goals.  It's embarrassing to look the way I do but that hasn't helped so far.

2.  I am starting TODAY! I don't have a meeting with my new Sparkle group this week but my first step was to re-install My Fitness Pal, start tracking and maybe even lost some weight by my first meeting. No "This is my last week to eat what I want"  week.  That mindset is not going to get me anywhere.

3. I have wanted to do this for years.  The time is now. One of my biggest goals for the past 10 years is to be able to one day post my before AND AFTER photos.  Unfortunately my before photos get posted way too much for my liking. I have now become one of those people that hides in photos.  It's time for some AFTER photos. It's TIME TO WORK HARD!   It's TIME TO GET MY SPARKLE ON!!!!

So what are my goals?  I always struggle with this one.  I mean "To not be fat"  doesn't seem to be the correct reason to these weight loss questionnaires.  But the truth is yeah that's one of my goals.  And to me, it is tied into the same goal as "to be more healthy".   You can't be fat and healthy. I want to be healthy. I want to be not fat.  I want to give my doctor back my "Pre-Diabetes" card.  I can only accomplish this with diet and exercise.  I want to not huff and puff up stairs.. I can only accomplish this through diet and exercise.  I want my back to not hurt all the time... now here's a tricky one.. I don't actually know if I can accomplish this or not.. the doctor says no.  Come on!! That can't possibly be true.  I know that I have permanent nerve damage but surely the extra *mumble mumble* pounds I am carrying can't not be helping the cause.   I want to prove my doctor wrong. I am going to do this with diet and exercise.  Eventually I will come up with some S.M.A.R.T goals but for right now, I just want to start and not be overwhelmed.

What are my struggles?  Free food. I am a muncher of all things free.   Not being prepared.  The time has come to overcome my laziness. My laziness has resulted in processed food all the time.  So I need to prepare real food at home and also need to deal with being out and about. I believe that I will be successful if I can be prepared or overprepared at all times. If I am always carrying around my own food, then I won't be stuck eating half a cheese pizza at a friend's house.  If I am prepared and eat my meals on a regular basis, I won't binge mid-day on end aisles candy bars and slim jims.  I also struggle with being overwhelmed.  What do I eat?  How much?  Do I eat low fat or high fat no carbs?  How much protein should I eat? Why am I so hungry?  How do I kick the sugar habit?  But I like my Diet Cokes but asparatame is going to kill me. Everything is going to kill me. Should I eat organic everything? Or just the dirty dozen? Heck, right now I barely even wash my non-organic food. Ugh pesticides are going to kill me.  Everything is going to kill me.    So besides accountability, I am hoping my Sparkle program will give me more direction and out of my "We're all doomed no matter what we eat" mindset I have going on right now.

It's time to do this. Sparkle ON!!!!

Christian walk..my lonely journey

Background to those new to my blog (or me)..   August 2015,  I left my church of 30 years and joined a much smaller church. When I left my church, I  admitted to myself that I had slipped in my walk for several years and wasn't sure what I believed anymore and I was determined not to be a fake Christian at my new church. I was honest and transparent and met with several women, a pastor,  and ultimately renewed my relationship with Christ and started again with an eagerness and love for Christ that I forgot I knew existed. 

So what happened? I don't know, I got out of habit of reading my Bible, I got out of habit of praying which I will admit has never been one of my strong points anyway.  I got distracted with life and things started going downhill for me. I am ready to begin again and I don't really know how. But last time, I just started reading my Bible again and everything started clicking for me. 

So why is this a lonely journey?  Because as I started becoming more comfortable in my church, it was easy for me to go back to being fake. It was easy for me to not ask for help. And you have to ask for help because spiritual issues and Jesus and personal walks with Christ are not things that are often spoken of.  And I have a handful of close friends but the rest of church gets a "hi how are you?" Five minutes before the service.  Do these people in my church not care about me? Yes.. They inquire after me..  How are you?  How is your school? how is your back? 

But the questions I never get (or ask of others)... How is your walk with Jesus? What are you reading in your Bible right now? Do you have any questions about your reading?   For those that know I deal with depression, no one ever asks about that either. Are these questions confrontional? are they too inquisitive of our brothers and sisters of Christ? Are we scared of the answers? Do we not really care?  We pour into the lives of our young people. Who pours into the lives of adults? 

I did have one person in the last couple of months ask me "What are you reading in your Bible right now?"  My response .. I don't read my Bible.  Her response.. Silence. That was the end of the conversation.  It was awkward. 

I know the answer to this.. I have to ask for help. I will be honest about two things 1) this blog post is not a passive aggressive cry for help and 2) I don't plan for asking for help.  And if I have a bunch of people talking to me now..after I have written this..while that will be awkward too. 

This blog post is to raise awareness...how many people are in our church and  need a relationship with Christ? We talk about talking about Jesus outside of the church. Who is talking to people about Jesus to those inside the church?  I am not an outlier here. There are church members all around you each Sunday who have stepped away from the faith, are hurting and need someone to talk to and they are not going to ask for help.  So take my challenge.. How are you going to reach them?  How are you going to show that you care about their spiritual needs?

And I am ready to fall in love with Jesus all over again and when I do, these are questions that I will ask myself too because I know I am not the only one.  If you are one of the ones like me, don't be discouraged.  I promise that all the help you need is right there in the Bible. Just open and read it and He will be there for you when it may seem like others aren't. And you also don't have to be like me..ask for help. People don't know what you need if you don't tell them. They really do care. I know they do. 

Dare to be Different and Enjoy it!

If you are a Christian homeschooler, I would like to encourage you to believe two things ..1) God has called me to do this and 2) God has equipped me to do this.   (Note.. that doesn't mean that you won't ever put your kids back in school. It may only be for a season. )

In your homeschooling journey, I would also say that you will be judged by the choices you make.. either openly (usually family members) or passively aggressively (anyone) or gossiply or just in people's heads.  It does not matter which path you choose. You will be judged. You can be judged because you unschool and don't believe that school should be in a classroom. You can be judged because you are trying to emulate public school at home. You can be judged because you do an online public school. You can be judged because you do school for 8 hours a day. You can be judged because you don't do a co-op. You can be judged because you do more than one co-op. You get my point..

Here's my next point... You do NOT need to worry about people judging you (see my first paragraph).  Judging other people is between the person who is judging and God. Yes, it can be hurtful and yes, it can hurt your pride but earnestly pray and let God be the center of your homeschool and your judge.  There may be sinful areas in your homeschool.. let God convict you of those areas.. not other people who are judging you.

Do allow others to encourage you if they are trying to encourage you in a manner that is uplifting. They may see a fault in you that you may have too much pride to see but boy that's a fine line and that better be a good friend and even when their intentions and their heart may seem pure, it may not be from God.

Words from my friend who read my blog post that are worth repeating and she said it so beautifully that I am cutting and pasting.
We shouldn't be too quick to label all criticism (constructive or otherwise) as judgment and dismiss it outright without evaluating it, even if briefly. For instance, Person A, B, and C, who don't know each other, all make the same observation .(about my homeschooling or something else). I should probably take time to consider what they are saying, pray, run it by my husband or a very close friend, even if ultimately I determine that the Lord is leading me in a different way. One person's random statement probably wouldn't deserve such consideration, but if I'm hearing something over and over again, I feel that I should probably give it a closer look. 

So here's the thing..   YOU know your children.  YOU know your children's struggles. YOU know your own struggles. YOU know your own abilities and talents.  God has created us all uniquely and our ways are going to be different.  The world might see glimpses of you but there is no way that they could know the whole story.  They may not know the hours and tears  that have been spent before they say something careless like "She's 10 and still can't read".   They may not know what it's like to have cancer and homeschool kids at the same time.  They may not know what it's like to have a mental illness and homeschool.  They may not know all the things you have in your life to juggle and still homeschool.  They may not know the trauma your child has experienced and now just needs a year of mental rest.  But you know and you need not be afraid of them. Stand tall in your decisions because you know!

But here's the other thing..  You got to fight the good fight.. Yes, homeschooling can be a fight. You have to earnestly seek God.  You have to stay right in the middle of His strength.  You have to rest in His peace.  Ask for His guidance.  Let Him convict you. Let Him encourage you.  If you don't know what this looks like in a practical sense, seek counsel from a good Christian friend. They may not have all the answers but they can share what their journey in the Lord and homeschooling looks like and give you practical advice on how to implement more of God in your homeschool.  If your homeschool is a mess and you are at your wit's end,  it's okay to ASK FOR HELP.. Don't let yourself believe that veteran moms have it all put together and have the perfect homeschool and have from the very beginning. Remember you only see glimpses of their life.  And take their advice for what it is.. advice.. not a dictation on how you should do your homeschool.

I am realizing that my blog post has more of a negative tone than I intended and I want you to know it is because I have had 4 years of dealing with hurt and disappointment of  friends and strangers judging me and the way that I do homeschool.  And years of comparing myself to other homeschools and not trusting my own decisions and my own intuition on things.  I am finally at a place of peace with where I am with my homeschool.  My ways are not your ways. And that's okay!

Here are some Bible verses that I hope can encourage you in your journey

Galatians 6:9  Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up

Colossians 3:17  And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.

Psalm 121:1-2  I lift my eyes to the mountains - where does my help come from?  My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of Heaven and earth

Philipians 4:13 - I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength

A good friend shared this amazing song with me. May it encourage you in your homeschooling journey. (Thanks, M :))

Why I could never really give up FB

I am a sensitive person so it comes as no surprise to me that a FB post that had nothing to do with me upset me greatly. It hurt me. I cried for hours.  I moaned that life wasn't supposed to be this way and it wasn't supposed to hurt this much. And then I unjustly blamed FB.. If I had not read that on FB, I probably never would have known. And I wouldn't be hurt right now. Forget it. Forget you FB.. I am outta of here. It's not worth it.

But then there's you. If you are bothering to read my blog post, chances are you care about me.  And chances are pretty good that we probably don't have a friendship outside of FB. Because truth be told, if I did actually give up FB and you are not in my path of school or church or scouts, only a handful of you would actually have an email relationship with me. And that's just the way life is.

For a moment last night and for the last week really as I have been dealing with negative thoughts about some of the friendships in my life,  I thought this would be better. Maybe less contact with people would be better. Maybe I need less friends. Maybe my kids need less friends.  Maybe we could all avoid some of the hurt that we are all feeling right now by stepping away and sticking tight to each other and not the rest of the world.

But I can't do that. You are my people. And I love you. And the good times don't always outweigh the bad but I can't give up on you. And I can't be a good friend if I disappear into the non-Facebook world.  Maybe the people I know that don't use Facebook have other ways of connecting with friends. Maybe they are extremely introverted. Maybe they clean their house all day...I have no idea.  But it's not me.

I am going to put on my big girl panties and I am going to fight the good fight because it's worth it. You are worth it.  There will always be the party that I am not invited to. There will always be the friend who values other friends more than me. There will always be the rejection. There will always be the hurt.  There will always be the laughter. There will always be the hope. There will always be the encouragement on a bad day. It's just the way FB is.  So for the millionth time, I have said I am giving up on Facebook and I am not. And I will say it again and not do it again. And thank you for just being my friend and not calling my bluff.  I need you to remember how much I care about all of you.

You are my people.  My cute little Facebook people.  And I love you.