Tuesday, December 16, 2014

My faith and a huge brick wall

Okay if you follow my blog, then you know that the middle of the night produces nothing but brutal honesty from me. So I have my insomnia and my glass of egg nog, let's get this party started.

So I re-booted and started faith in Jesus all over again. And it's been awesome.

Faith - meet brick wall.

I needed about this much faith [    ] to believe in Jesus but when our pastor started a sermon series on dealing with depression with God and Christian faith, I lost it.  The amount of faith I need to include God in on my depression..it's big.   It was super more than I can handle and it's been painful. And I looked back over my sermon notes trying to figure out what in the world has been going on with me and my sermon notes are just filled with raw pain and I could feel the pain of Sunday all over again and I could barely read it again. And there are doodles all over the page and there are side notes. One of my side notes "Are you willing to believe this?"  and another side note in bigger letters is "This is beyond me"  and then there are notes in between on the actual sermon half of them smudged with tears.  The words I most appreciated hearing was when my pastor said that he knew this wasn't going to be easy.   This is impossible.   That's how I feel right now.

I was talking to Chris about how I don't believe in healing. And he asked if I didn't believe in healing for anyone with depression or just myself. And the answer is just myself.  I have had depression for the last 27 years and 23 of them have been with medication. I won't listen to anyone who suggests that I go off medicine because the most likely situation that would occur would be me six feet under. That's not pessimism.. it's realism. And don't you dare tell me that I just need more trust in God or I will go crazy on you. I came to grips a long time ago with God that I was not going to see healing on this side of Heaven. That doesn't mean that I don't sometimes get comfort from God when I am going through dark times. I do.

So why am I so upset?  I am not sure. Maybe because I am not willing to let God in on this. Not yet.  Maybe because when I am depressed and I cry out to God, I just feel more alone. Maybe because I am scared.  I don't really know.

One part of the sermon touched on the enemy's lies.  And I heard a new voice in my head.. it told me.. what if what I am hearing aren't lies but are actually the truth.  It might be the enemy feeding me the lie right now that I am a failure. But there is an element of truth in that.. I am actually failing!  And I have decided that the only way that I can stop being a failure is to stop failing and bam.. meet another brick wall.  When the weight of everything is on top of you and you feel alone and you can't feel God's strength and you can barely get out of bed in the morning, it's hard not to fail.  Life is a huge fail for me right now.

So I am filling my days with activities and just trying to make it through the day. I have officially declared Christmas vacation so I don't have to worry about homeschooling for awhile. I am going to church in the morning because it's my happy place. I don't even know if it's open. I don't even care. It's got that big open field I love so much. I have plans on Thursday. A coffee date with a friend on Friday.   With the help of my family and friends, I can get through each day.  And that's all I am hoping for right now.  I am not hoping for anything regarding that brick wall. It's just going to have to sit there for now.

1 comment:

  1. Much love and prayers. My struggle and brick wall look different, but they are both there.